I should be wearing a propeller hat at this point
I have a partner that I've been with nearly a year, and known for over a year and a half. I don't understand him.
Generally, I don't understand anyone. People don't make sense to me when I look at them closely, individually. Even my family I've known for my whole life feel like outside forces. Or rather, I feel as though I am the outsider, and they and everyone else are on the inside. I suppose a lot of people feel the same way, and in the end we can never truly understand another person's life and experience, but how do people make peace with that chasm? I don't think I'll ever be able to.
I knew my partner for eight months before we started dating. Technically longer, but we didn't become friends until one night at a bar. I thought he was interesting. As our friendship grew and we became closer, I learned more about him, his past, his ideas about life and the world, everything. It was like watching a piece of art take shape, starting as an idea, then a sketch, then details and color until there was a finished product.
We had a slightly alcohol-influenced conversation after 2am one night. We acknowledged our mutual attraction and decided we'd go on a date. I'm making it sound very business when it really wasn't, but it felt like confirming the direction our relationship was already going. We've been together since then.
I've been in relationships before, but they were never like this. I think that when I'm in such close proximity to a person, my "otherness," my inability to understand, rears its head and I shrink back. This wasn't much of a problem in past relationships, due to various circumstances. Now I'm always at a loss because I often don't understand things. There's a gap that I can never navigate. I don't know if it's a personal flaw that I can fix, or just an innate aspect of my being.
I just wonder if that's okay. If it's okay with my partner that I lack the ability to make sense of him, or anyone. I still care very deeply about him; I can appreciate a piece of art without understanding it. But can I be a good partner if I can't offer something so basic?